January 27, 2009

A TIME TO GRIEVE FOR THOSE STILL WITH US

You always know days like this will come. Days that sort of take the wind out of your sail and bring memories flooding in out of control. But why do we always seem surprised, even mad sometimes, that life takes a turn like this? It doesn't have to be the passing of a loved one or friend, but even just the letting go of a dream, of what you expected the outcome to be in a certain situation. And sometimes the hardest part is still having to look at these situations head on, straight in the eyes, and know that memories of the past are what remains. Moving forward seems to be in slow motion and your world seems to be muffled, even distorted at times, as you try to grasp the reality of the current situation. I find that in these times, God is my ever-present help and comfort.

If you follow my facebook at all you know that I posted a prayer request last night for my grandmother and my uncle, both of which have life-changing illnesses that are leaving all family members uncertain and hurting. Please continue to pray for everyone involved that peace will be the common denominator amongst them all and that God's will be done. His will may not even come close to resembling our will, but His love remains the same and His plan is for us is good, not to harm. (loosely translated from Jer 29:11) So with that being said, here is a very brief look at who I'm asking prayer for and who I miss, even now, and even though I hardly ever see them.

1. My Uncle Ray-my dad's brother: will forever be known as Bread Ball Boy :) When I was a child he would always show me how to make the best bread balls by rolling a piece of bread between the palms of his hands until the bread was tight and moist. He also would tell me it was a great way to clean your hands, too, but I didn't understand that as a young child :) Now, I do & I think it's gross, but I wouldn't trade those memories at all! LOVES basketball, especially college if ISU (Terre Haute, IN) is playing or IU (Indiana University); larger than life (literally sometimes!); always smiled and always laughed.

My dad got a call last week from my aunt that Uncle Ray is now in a nursing home. He doesn't remember anyone, not even family. I guess there were other physical issues that escalated this problem but it has gotten to this point and there's no reversing it. So, I grieved last night for my uncle who's still here but doesn't know it. Of my uncle who I probably won't see again and even if I did he wouldn't know me. And of all the times he made us laugh and made us bread balls...that's what I miss already even though he's still on earth. Eternal future? Unsure...

2. My mom's mom whom we call Nanny: She's lived in Indiana almost her whole life but was just moved to Houston, TX to be close to the majority of her children. The move was not something she wanted to do, but she did it and was moved into a nice semi-assisted living home/apt. My mom is in Houston at this moment helping her brothers move their mom from this apartment to a full-fledged nursing home. Nanny is beginning to have signs of Alzheimer's and is requiring 24 hour care of which is way to expensive to justify at her current residence. However, a choice was made to move her to the nursing home without telling her and without even telling her when she left her apartment last night that it would be the last time she'd be there. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. So she awoke today not knowing how drastically her life is about to change. Moving from semi-independence to a room with a bed...that's all, a bed. Being totally stripped of independence, I'm sure, has got to be humiliating and depressing. That life has come down to laying in a room, going out to occasional activities w/in the home and waiting for people to visit. What motivation is there to live?!

So I grieve for my Nanny, who is still living here on earth, that she's not the grandmother that I used to know and used to cry to stay with every single time I would leave her house in Terre Haute to go home to Evansville. I loved her then. Over the years there has been somewhat of a falling out between her and all of the rest of us based on choices she made, but the memories of my life as a little one of her and my papaw are still in the recesses of my mind. That's what I'm grieving about, I guess. The memories that were, and that no longer will be. She stayed with us Christmas '07 and that's the last time I saw her. I'm not sure I can handle seeing her now...like this. It's just so not her. But, like I said at the beginning of this post I have to grasp the reality of this situation as part of life here on earth and walk forward, trusting God at His word and knowing that I do have the hope of seeing her someday in heaven. Hopefully by then she will have found the peace and joy she's not found in her journey here on earth.

So, that my friends, is where I'm at today. Quiet. Contemplative. Grieving. Praying. Remembering...and mostly, thanking God for the memories that I do have of both of these people who have been a part of my life since the first breath that I took.