January 13, 2009

FOLLOW UP

I challenged myself last week to write down something that I've been mentally beating myself up over lately and then to find 3 verses to help me deal with this issue. I've thought long and hard about this, but haven't looked for scriptures. That's the beginning of my problem-not seeking the Word first. But by the time I would have walked from the kitchen to the living room to get my Bible, something else would have grabbed my attention or I would have completely forgotten what I was going to do and it never got done. Excuses? Probably. But as I'm beginning to see through my own reflection (still no scripture ): ) is that a lot of my problem stems from lack of focus; and ADHD of sorts for adults and in my case it's for Alone-time-with-God Deficit & Hearing- God's- direction Deficit.  Ok, so I stretched the acronym, but you get the point.  I've created a monster in myself all in the name of busyness and organization.  If I can't walk from one room to the next without forgetting something then I'm trying to do too much or have too much on my mind.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm all about keeping my house clean and orderly and my family fed and shuttled, but to actually have "make a to-do list" on my "to-do" list is a little over the top!

Anyway, what all of this madness has caused me to consider is who am I really? I'm lots of things to lots of people, but who am I?  I try to "act" like the person people think I am so as to gain acceptance.  But somewhere between growing up and life, I've lost who I am.  I know I have a husband who I love completely and who loves me unconditionally and 2 daughters that I love dearly.  I'm pretty sure that they see me for who I am and sometimes it's probably not very pretty.  That's why the masks go on when I leave the house so I can be anyone else other than me.  Crazy?  Maybe and probably, but I don't think I'm alone in this.

So as I type this I'm on a voyage of self-discovery.  I want peace and contentment in all areas of my life beyond my family.  I don't want to just be the made-up version so everyone thinks I have all the answers.  I'm still "me" but I think the "inner" me, the core being of "me" started hiding and taking on multiple personalities (not literally-figuratively) years ago just so everyone would like me and I would be accepted wherever I was.  It won't be an over-night discovery and restoration, although I know it could be if God so chooses it to be.  

I will find myself again and will probably be a much better person-content in all things and not afraid to be who God created me to be, not who man has tried to make me to be.

So, that's a start.  Now I MUST find the scriptures to stand on and rediscover who I am and who God wants me to be.

Thanks,  guys.  I know this was a little more "serious" than usual, but I wanted to be forthright and ask for your prayers, too.  Oh, and you can follow my daily journey of self-discovery on www.twitter.com/hsmsmom  If you choose to follow me I'll have to accept your request so just ask!

Talk soon! Next post I will have those scriptures ready!

m