THIS IS A LONG POST, BUT I NEED FRIENDS...;-)

We had the privilege of watching along with all of America, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, a couple of weeks ago. The show was excellent, although I may be biased because our family and the Augustin family are friends. Amber & I are BFF's (wink, wink, Amber!) Amber took some incredible pics of Shelby a few summers ago and during that time she and I kind of struck up a friendship. Mike attended some men's meetings at our previous church, which enabled him to become friends with Peter. We were aware of Amber's amazing ministry and had seen pics of the precious babies that she had photographed through the years, but had no idea the depth of that ministry. I'll occasionally still hear from her asking for prayer for a family that she has just gone to see at the hospital It continues to move her (and me) to a point of grief and a sense of necessity to bathe the family in prayer...no matter the outcome. However, after watching the show last night it gave me a whole new appreciation for Amber's ministry & talent. She sacrifices her own personal family time to capture moments for other hurting families. Yet her family is then there for her when she comes home to share her load of heaviness with her. So many lives have been touched and I'm sure will continue to be touched since the airing of their story on EMHE.

One thing Amber said during the show that touched me to the core of my being in regards to taking pictures was this: "What would I want to remember about my baby? his toes, his feet, his shoulders-all of those things that you wish you could have seen more of but were so wrapped up in those precious moments to remember exactly what he looked like." Wow! Features we take for granted when we have "healthy" babies! Not that we really take them for granted but I don't think it's something we hold dear. I'm thankful for Amber, and others like her, who have the gift of taking these precious pictures because it is much more necessary than any of us realize.

After watching the show on Sunday, Monday my head and my heart was heavy and I wanted to hear what God was trying to say to me. The story really struck a chord with me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I know that there is still a lot He has to show me, but so far, this is what I think I've heard and I wanted to share it with you all.

In my "previous life", before choosing to stay home with our girls after they were born, I was a nurse-an RN and I worked in Pediatric Intensive Care and also in a newborn nursery. Those days all hold special memories for me and I wouldn't trade one of them. However, there were some really, really rough times that I would be working when a child/baby did not make it. I can't begin to tell you how hard that is, not only to watch a child's life come to an end but to have to watch parents world come crumbling apart. There were several times I remember going into work at the ICU and hearing the wailing of parents who had just heard the news about their child. It was heart-breaking. As a nurse in the unit it was our responsibility to get the child "ready" for the parents to come in for one last time. We would remove all tubes and machines and clean them up, dress them in "real clothes" and put a stuffed animal or something with them to make them look at peace. Again, I can't begin to tell you the difficulty in doing that but also in the fact that after that was all done the parents would go home empty-handed. We nurses had to continue working, though. No time to grieve, no time to gather our thoughts and express our emotions, but get a new assignment and keep working. It may sound harsh to some, but when you are surrounded by sick kids, you've got to keep taking care of them. It didn't have often but it happened more than I care to remember, however, I DO remember. One incidence in particular that runs through my memory every once in a while is one in which I worked in the newborn nursery. Most deliveries are routine with minimal complications and then some babies are born requiring a little more care, yet others are born very sick and need immediate, critical care. However, there are a very few families who came to the hospital knowing that their child would be born with very little time to live if any time at all. Those were the hard ones. Those are the ones that people like Amber have the opportunity to go in and capture their precious moments with photographs. But one of my toughest memories is of a little "friend" that my nurse friends and I got to love and care for until it passed away simply because the family rejected it knowing it was going to die. We were mortified that anyone could be that way with their child, even though we all knew it would not live beyond an hour or so! But how could we pass judgement on parents who started grieving even before the birth of their child? We didn't know what all they'd dealt with getting them to this point of hurt. So after the delivery we took little one to a back room and took turns holding it and loving it so it would know that it was loved unconditionally during its brief time on earth. It's life ended quickly...maybe an hour at the most. But the hour that I was there w/my fellow nurses loving on that baby is one hour in my life that I will never forget. So to think that there are parents who have to go through this and choose to have it documented in photographs, humbles my heart to the point of awe and gratitude for them being unselfish in their own love and hurt to make a "big deal" out of a small life. (I chose to call little one "it" for confidentiality, not out of rudeness)

A lot of those memories have sort of led me to a place in which I place walls around my heart and life. I don't make friends easily. It hurts too much when they aren't in your life anymore. Being a nurse, I learned all too well how to stuff my emotions inside and keep on going, not taking time to grieve loss. So as I step back and observe the big picture of my life, I realize that I'm no different than those parents who chose not to get to know their baby and turned their backs on it before its life ever started. I don't open up to people because I know it's going to take a lot of emotion on my part and yes, it may not last long and I may lose their friendship as our paths in life change courses so I'm not going to even open my heart a little. How selfish of me and how stupid! I've missed out on so much over way too many years!

So after all of that I think I've realized that I need to be doing something to help. Something to help heal the hurt of those losses I walked through as a nurse, even though they've been years ago. That's one reason I decided to share this blog w/you. When Mike & I first moved to TX I miscarried our first baby. It was very, very hard and very lonely emotionally. The hospital where I worked and where I lost the baby had a "grief" program for parents who lost babies. While I worked there I was able to help a lot of women who were grieving over their own miscarriages and it helped me move past my grief because I was getting beyond myself. My prayer now is that I can find something like that to do again. I would love to help in an organization like Amber is a part of, even if it's just stuffing envelopes or holding equipment or getting coffee for someone in the middle of the night. I want to do something to make a difference and not for any glory or honor on my part but in honor and memory of the families of the kids that I helped care for in the intensive care; and all of those parents who lost babies and I was able to pray with them at the hospital or when I just sat in a room holding their hand to help make their loss even minutely tolerable.

So I'm asking that you join me in prayer to help me find what it is that God wants me to do and to be obedient to that calling. Pray for Amber and the Augustin family that their work and devotion will be rewarded in heaven-where it counts the most! And most of all pray for all of the families whose lives are forever changed because of a moment in time with their forever child.

Thanks for reading and for not giving up on being my friend even when I'm not friendly :)

m